Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Memorandum From Cromwell to Anne Boleyn's Coronation Planning Committee


To: Coronation Planning Committee
      Street Festivities Contract Workers

From: Tom Cromwell

CC:  Tom Cranmer

Date: 3 June, 1533
Re: Coronation Event Wrap-up

What the actual fuck, you guys.
Of all the events to tank, you idiots chose THIS ONE?
Are you even kidding me?
Here is the (very) abbreviated list of the insulting slams to our queen - 

1.  NONE of the French invitees attended the coronation procession.
Likewise, the tournament.
We had to fill in their place in the procession with a bunch of god-damned  merchants.

2.  When the queen processed through the Steelyard, did not ANY of you grasp that shoving the building of a tableau down the throats of German traders was gonna backfire?
Their tableau was decent; some bullshit about Parnassus. Whatever.
Until the queen looked across the street and saw a Goodyear blimp-sized Imperial Eagle wearing the emblems of Castille and Aragon on a fucking "Miss America"-style sash across its feathered breast.
Did you guys think she missed that?

3. The little kid in the merchants group - their pageant was at Leadenhall, if I'm not mistaken -  the one of the four who stepped forward to speak to the queen?
The kid who wished her the same fertility of the family of Saint Anne?

Saint Anne only ever birthed one girl.
Get it?
Find whoever told the brat to say it, and I want the responsible party disappeared, as that was NOT anyone's idea of 'best wishes.'

4.  I want a list of the names of every single citizen you saw saying, "H & A, HA! HA! HA!" on my desk by tomorrow morning. 
If you didn't recognise any individuals, give me the part of town and the street names.
I want specifics.

There will be more fallout from this massive fuck-up.

Starting right now, you're all on notice.